I Hate The Stupid Internet

Seriously. I fucking hate it.

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It’s Not Really on the Internet, But It Sure Is Stupid…

Friends, I recently had to deal with such astounding stupidity from my Property Management Company that I took to Yelp to express my frustrations. Unfortunately, I am so long winded that Yelp’s 5,000 character limit was not nearly enough space for me to fully express how pissed off I am. If I wanted a fucking character limit I’d be on Twitter you assholes. I actually ended up posting a link to this post on Yelp in hopes of people coming here, reading my review, and learning a valuable lesson about why you should never, ever, ever rent from Onyx Property Management in Philadelphia.

So here I am, breaking from my usual format and telling you a story about some stupidity that took place in the real world instead of on the internet. I hope you’ll forgive this transgression just this once though, because I assure you, this is so freaking stupid I had to post about it somewhere. 


The following is what I was going to post to Yelp before being cock blocked by a character limit:

Gather round little children… It’s time to hear the tale of the evil, malignant, dastardly and devious property management group named Onyx. Tis a tale of horror and much woe, so steel your hearts, my darlings! This story is not for the faint of heart nor the weak of stomach. 

Disclaimer: Before we take a walk down the winding path of madness that is our experience with Onyx Management Group, my roommates and I need you to understand one thing: We love our house. Throughout the telling of this story there will be one question burning the back of your brain as the transgressions of this wicked company come to light: Why in the hell didn’t you just move out!? To that we only have one answer: We REALLY love our house. It has 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, a finished basement, a back yard, a rooftop deck, a washer and dryer and a goddamn jacuzzi tub all located a short walk from the wonderful bars and restaurants that line Fairmount Ave in Philadelphia near the Penitentiary. It is a wonderful place to live, and we have thoroughly enjoyed the time we have spent here. Except, of course, for the times when we’ve had to deal with Onyx in any capacity. Anytime we have had to do that has been nothing short of an unmitigated disaster.  

Hmm… Now… Where should I begin? Oh yes! At the beginning, of course!

Our story begins with a young Hero and 3 young Heroines who thought they had found the perfect house in the big city. 



We all look like this, even the girls. 

The house had everything 4 young professional Heroes could want, and they were quite excited to make a new home there. The lease was signed, the rent and security deposits were paid, the ‘I’s were dotted, the ‘T’s thoroughly crossed. The only thing left was one last walkthrough of the property before our brave protagonists moved in to make sure everything was in order. It was no more than a formality really, as they had already seen the property before. 


But, ho! What’s this!? The windows are cracked! The bathroom mirror covered in strange patches of unknowable brown stuff! The floors covered in paint! The back yard full of trash bags and a fallen tree! What strange mystery has caused these malignancies? None of these things were present when our Heroes first visited the house! Our Heroes demanded an answer!

“Worry ye not, young Heroes” said Onyx. “All shall be fixed right up! Onyx will make these silly annoyances disappear! They shall be gone before you move in!”

Our young Heroes breathed a collective sigh of relief. “Thank you, dearest Onyx, for being so understanding!” Our young Heroes moved on, having full faith in the devious Onyx. 



No. Not this Onix… 

They knew so little back then…

As fate would have it, when move-in day arrived, the windows were still cracked, and the mirror still quite covered in the unknowable brown stuff. What trickery was this? Why, the only work to be done at all was the paint cleaned up off the floor and the trash in the back yard removed! Hardly what the Heroes were promised by Onyx. They told the Property Management group that they were quite displeased with the lack of work done and demanded, quite justly, to have it done post haste! Yet, all they were met with were grumbles from foul Onyx. A new mirror was hung ON TOP of the old mirror so that the brown stuff was covered up. Apparently the old mirror could not be removed. The bathroom now appeared quite strange, but our Heroes were no snobs, so they did not complain. They did, however, continue to demand action in regards to the cracked windows, only to be met with laziness and utter apathy. Our Heroes were quite displeased. 

After many moons, the cracked windows were finally replaced, but our story is just beginning. Our Heroes were FAR from finished with the fiendish Onyx. 

Not long after the window debacle had finally ended, our Heroes were besieged by the massive Hurricane Irene. This disastrous storm caused a leak in the roof that came through the ceiling of the bedroom of one of the Heroines. Wet, and quite grumpy, our Heroes contacted Onyx yet again, asking that the fix the leak quickly, so that they could sleep in dry beds without worry of dripping water.



Yep… this is a true story.

To say that Onyx’s response to our Heroes plight was unacceptable would be a laughable understatement of epic proportions. Our Heroes dealt with this leak FOR MONTHS with little word from Onyx at all. When Onyx did finally bestir itself to see to the problem, they were forced to rip up the Heroes’ beloved rooftop deck to patch the leak. When they replaced the deck, they built it back up with the same wood, which had grown quite weathered over time, and several feet smaller on each side then the previous deck had been. To make matters worse, the deck was now on a slant, the railings were precariously unsteady and there was no step up to the deck, but rather a dangerous crevasse into which an unwary traveler could easily step into and twist an ankle. Oh, and to fully display how few fucks they gave, Onyx tossed the unused wood into the yard of the Heroes‘ neighbors, forcing our Heroes to apologize graciously for the ineptness of their property managers.

“Onyx! What slipshoddery is this? Our deck is now smaller, slanted, made of weathered wood, and dangerous! AND you threw the old wood into our neighbors yard! Why would you do such a thing? Explain yourselves!” Our heroes demanded an answer. They received naught but the customer service equivalent of someone bending over and farting loudly onto your breakfast. Rude, indeed.

With that, our Heroes sadly lost one of their number. The young Heroine who’s bedroom had sprung the leak decided that she had had enough with Onyx and its devilish ways. She decided to move out at the end of the lease, which was quickly approaching.

Our remaining heroes were of a determined sort, though. They decided to stick it through, and struck a bargain with vile Onyx.

“Onyx, if we find a 4th Hero or Heroine to join our ranks and live in this house with us, will you agree to fix the deck? We do not ask much, and it would benefit you to have us continue to live here. These are our terms.”

Onyx agreed, quite reluctantly, to build a new deck in place of the old one, and in response, the remaining heroes found not one, but two new Heroes to move into the house with them. But the heinous Onyx still had the last laugh. You see, when they finally rebuilt the deck, while they did use new wood, but they still built it several feet smaller on each side than the original deck and still refused to put in a step for safe travel onto the deck. Yet again our Heroes were deceived, but yet again, they let it go because they are not petty people. 



Look at that dangerous crevasse! 


Protip: This does not equal level. 


Just when it seemed like everything would finally be okay… the leak sprung yet again! Yes, even after patching the roof and replacing the deck, Onyx had still failed to properly repair the house. The new Hero who moved into that room once again had to deal with a leaky ceiling for MONTHS before Onyx finally stirred itself to fix this problem. Luckily, the leak was small and only let in a small amount of water when it was raining heavily. Yet, still, Onyx displayed naught but the ultimate douchebaggary when handling the situation with the leaky roof. As a result, the two new Heroes decided that they, too, could not handle dealing with the nefarious management group. They moved out to be replaced by another brave Heroine. The leak was finally repaired but days before she moved in. The leak remains dormant… for now.

If you thought all that was bad, just wait! There are still more tidbits to our story! In the 2 years our Heroes have lived there they have also had to deal with: A Sink that literally fell out of it’s place; a garbage disposal that has failed several times; several clogged toilets; and a microwave that fell apart. I have not the energies to tell you how these problems were handled, but I think that you can probably guess. (Hint: like shit)

In its latest display of demonic ineptitude, Onyx recently decided to email our Heroes to inform them that they had failed to pay rent for the month of May. Of course, Onyx had forgotten that, a year ago, our Heroes paid first and last months rent, which covered May rent. When informed of this, Onyx claimed that the mixup resulted because our Heroes had failed to inform Onyx that they were renewing the lease. What that has to do with the rent that had already been paid, our Heroes haven’t got a clue, especially when you consider that our Heroes lease clearly says that if no notice is given, the lease automatically renews. Also, for good measure, our Heroes DID inform Onyx that they would be renewing the lease over TWO MONTHS ago. Moreover, as the depraved icing on top of the sinister cake, Onyx called the Heroine who had MOVED OUT A YEAR AGO demanding that she pay the rent. Onyx’s diabolical business practices truly know no bounds.

Yet our young Heroes battle on, constantly at odds with the corrupt property management group, fighting for their right to live peacefully in a house that they love.


The End…?

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